Spring Catch Up!

Lots of punishing happening + some wine at a rare dinner out + a new Quarq + some serious selfie action.

We had an anniversary!
Last year at this time, I was standing on a beach in St. Croix exchanging vows with Adam on Whistler Beach. It's hard to believe that it's only been a year of marriage, yet it feels like a lifetime ago. When we met, neither of us leapt into dating. We bonded over things we liked and the shared experience of being too smart and a little too crazy to fit in with the world.  The moment we crossed the line from friends to lovers, there was no question. It was a simple aha! moment in which we both realized that this was it - all that seeking and settling and confusion was over. We were married, in our hearts, when we started dating. At some point in my 20's, I assumed I'd never marry. The odds of finding anyone who I really wanted to spend my life with were pretty low. I wasn't adept at long term relationships and was often bored within a few months and ready to move on. I couldn't find anyone who would challenge me, inspire me and grow with me into something better. So in some ways, I think we were both surprised a little when the realization struck that this is the person for you. Neither of us did such a splendid job at selecting our own partners before, so this was something new. Since that day, we haven't strayed too far apart for more than a few days at a time.While I always envisioned marriage as two independent people growing on parallel paths, our marriage has wound us back and forth - weaving our lives, our fate, our passions and our hearts back and forth into a radiant fiber - one thread inseparable from the other and together making something grander than the independent parts.  A year into a lifetime of marriage to each other, but without question, the bond between us will extend beyond this world and into the next.

We've actually been training!
It's been grueling to get back into training after...well...after IMAZ? After growing our business a bunch? After leaving my regular job for BMK full time? After not sleeping for what feels like months? We've done what we had to do to keep going forward with our main goals in sight. We sadly had to back out of Oceanside 70.3 and Breathless Agony, but we did manage to squeak out a decent finish at Escape From Alcatraz and we are tackling OC Tri this Sunday and heading into Hawaii 70.3 in a few weeks. Would I like to be in better shape? Yes. Am I still excited to go out and do my best? Absolutely! Is it going to be all hot and humid and suffery? Heck yes. Are there mai tais in sight? Hell yes! In all honesty, I'm stoked to be in new power zones on the bike even though they make me feel like someone ripped off my legs and rolled them in broken glass and shoved them back into my angry hips. I'm stoked to be getting slowly back in some shape (heyyyy round is TOO a shape!) and to be improving in my swim and run. After a few months of post-Ironman physical depression (I will never take so long a break again), my body is slowly returning to performing as it should.

We're Racing Sunday!
My sister will do her first Olympic tri (and 2nd triathlon ever) on Sunday at OC Triathlon with Adam and I and well, hundreds of other local triathletes. It's a tough but fun course and I can't wait to see her out there. I know she's going to do well and I am so proud of her training. There's something so satisfying on a primal wavelength to pit yourself against a course - to challenge your mind and body both in training and in competition. It's little wonder human kind has been partaking in physical endeavors like this for ages. Not often in our modern lives do we get to truly push ourselves physically & mentally out of our comfort zones. (Highly suggest THIS post for more on the awesomeness of discomfort).  It's also Adam's 2-year Triathlon-Birthday - OC Tri was his very first race. Having set moments in time to look back on give such sharp perspective to life. It feels like those were completely different people who raced a few years ago...who we are now...who we were then... WOW.

I Don't Have a Boss!
In December, I made it known on the interwebs that I would be leaving my full-time job by June 1st, 2013. At the time I thought I was being ballsy and possibly kind of stupid. I worked at the same job for...erm...uh...well...15 years? Basically through high school, college and beyond. I made great money, didn't have much management but it was an absolutely horrible environment in a field with a few highly conflicting ethical agreements. Despite being increasingly unhappy, I stayed. And stayed. And stayed. And spent all my money. And then had to stay. Today? I work for us. If we don't work, we don't get paid. If we work harder, we make more. If we are lazy, we fall behind. If we get ahead, we get time off. HELLO MOST REWARDING LIFE EVER! If you're thinking about someday or one day doing something for yourself, do yourself a favor and DO IT NOW. Don't wait! There's not a perfect time, place, savings amount, safety net...just be passionate, be willing to work your ass off, be willing to sacrifice sanity and sleep and money and time and it will work. Imagine how amazing the world would be if every single person did what they were really good at and really enjoyed doing. Imagine how much happier everyone would be! Now, go! Do it.

Looking Forward To...
Growing our business. Doing SOMA 70.3 again! Training for the North Face Endurance Challenge 30 mi trail run in December. Making some "scary" business investments! Hanging out in Hawaii with our coach, his wife and friends! Who knows what else will happen before this year ends?

It Takes a Village

Life is certainly NOT boring!

Life has an amazing way of pulling you in the direction you should be going when you finally stop fighting it all the time. I spent most of my life trying to drive my life towards achievements and goals that were not mine, but what I was supposed to want, out of lack of knowing what I wanted. I was afraid of unknowing. Afraid that if I stopped striving and looked around to figure it out, life would pass me by. I chuckle now a little, it's the other way around. In the mad march striving for things I didn't really want, I wound up with more things I didn't want...an extra 15 lbs, a job that made me miserable, higher income that I had to spend to justify my misery, an alcohol problem, a cigarette problem, a dating a bunch of wrong guys problem, my relationships were not positive, uplifting ones, and I felt alienated, lost and alone. I guess I figured I'd feel less lonely if I went the way everyone else was going. Guess what? Wrong! Everyone else is so busy climbing their little corporate ladders that they DO NOT HAVE TIME to breathe. And if they can use your forehead as a boost up to the next level, they will.

I kind of knew all along, in my heart, that I didn't want the things everyone was working for. I didn't really want a house in the suburbs. Kids. To go to the same job day after day, working for my annual raise that matched inflation but never seemed like enough. To buy that luxury sedan. To upgrade from one watch to a bigger, shinier watch. To add more feathers to my nest in an attempt to look attractive to a mate who was concerned more about my socio-economical flair than my soul. Yet, I didn't know how to get OUT. I assumed it was going to be difficult to change my life and head in another direction. Not knowing what to do, I simply started by not listening to anyone else. I'm sure my family is laughing reading that, since I've never been the best listener, but despite my outwardly rebel-like disguise, I let all the things I should do be my rules. It never felt right, so I stopped doing or believing in anything that didn't jive with me.

I thought that if Adam and I bucked the general direction of society at large, that we would be isolated, misunderstood and maybe even scoffed at or mocked. A part of me felt like we'd never make it and everyone would wonder, "Who do they think they are! They know nothing about business!" Yet, from the beginning, we were met with a combination of enthusiasm and stunned silence. We began with just Adam working full time at BMK while I juggled two jobs. People asked, "Aren't you tired?" Yes. Yes we were. And we were training for an Ironman at the same time. But we knew there was only one way for us, onward. When I proclaimed over the interwebs in December that I was leaving my job by the end of May, people cheered me on and some quietly asked, "But, aren't you scared to leave this security?" And a funny thing happened. After a lifetime of being scared, and citing the "security of my job blah blah blah" I wasn't scared at all. Or maybe I was more scared of spending another 5, 10, 15 years doing the same thing with the same results.

The most beautiful thing that I've experienced is the overwhelming outpouring of support for what Adam and I are doing. Now, we're crazy about what we do, and the power that a healthy diet, exercise and balance can have to change your life. So we were willing to forge on and take a road less traveled, even if it meant being alone. Imagine our surprise when in some of our hardest, longest, most bone wearying days, we were met with little text messages, emails, kind words, Facebook messages from people we haven't heard from in decades saying that they were excited for us and inspired. That support has grown into a very important part of our business. Our customers are amazing. Not only do they refer us to their friends, family and coworkers (which is phenomenal since we haven't even had time to market!) but they lift us up, talk to us, give us feedback, write little notes on their envelopes about enjoying the food and leave us messages on our Facebook wall and ask for our new flyers to hand out!

I've never felt like I fit quite right, no matter where I go, and I know Adam feels the same. As a kid I never belonged to any group, club or clique. Even in high school, while I knew almost everyone, I didn't have a niche or friends I spent every weekend with. I was usually off by myself doing my own thing. I felt a lack of community, especially in ORANGE COUNTY. Yet...here are all you lovely people coming out and cheering us and running along side us and shaking your cowbells along the biggest race of our lives. There is no way to thank you all sufficiently. There have been many nights after chains of 15+ hour days where I looked up at the stars and wondered what the hell we are doing and if we were just wasting our time and if it was all worth it. Times when we come home and we sit on the floor in our kitchen clothes, ice cold beer in hand, nursing aching feet, hips, back, neck, hands cracked and hurting from endless dishes and egos bruised from one snarky remark or let down from making a mistake, and...then there you were - saying something nice! Like a little brightly burning star! Telling us that we're going the right way! And that matters so much, possibly more than you'll ever know.

I realize that in life, like in Ironman training, while so much is done alone, there is magic in community. There is a draft that forms when people around you care about what you are doing and get excited. That draft carries you along forward on the current of your life at the times when you are too tired to swim. Never forget the difference a few kind words can make, to tell people that they are doing awesome at life, to say you think they are ruling at being parents, to applaud and encourage and cheer each other on in all of life's endeavors. Likewise, be brave, share your dreams, make them public! You might just be surprised to turn around and see a crowd of people cheering you on.

Thoughts on Boston

“Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages.”  ~ Thomas A. Edison

I've been too busy to write lately, but I've had so much I wanted to share, so many ideas, thoughts, transformations and beautiful moments to write about. Yet, I cannot write about those things. Not in the shadow of the bombings of the Boston Marathon.

Today was one of those days that everything was haywire. Nothing was going quite as planned, there was a tiny error at BMK that created a cascading time-suck/cluster-fuck and everything wound up taking twice as long. My day job (which I'm only at 5-10 hours a week) decided to freak out at the same time. I've bumped into so many things in the last 24 hours that I feel like I was in a minor crash. But, I'm good at just going with the flow and was managing to just do the best with the day I was given and putting one foot front of the other. I was thinking of my friend Ziya who was running the Boston Marathon and checking in periodically to see how him and Q were doing. Now, I don't know if I've ever actually met Quinton, but I spent a good chunk of time running behind him at Ironman Arizona, so while he may not know me, I had a good conversation with him in my head for a bit of that brutal Ironman marathon. It mostly consisted of, "Holy crap, I didn't realize you were a giant!" and, "WTF are you wearing a bike jersey, isn't that hot and chafe-y?" but you know, that's a long day and the thoughts aren't too sensible at that point. I was looking at the pics they were posting on Facebook and thinking that the friendship between Q and Z is much like the one childhood boys have. A bond based in skipping stones, running foot races, climbing trees and catching frogs - except these guys ride up crazy mountains, train for Ironmans, and qualify (and run) the Boston Marathon. In a society where most dude friendships are based in competitiveness, chest-bumping and dick-waving, it's nice to see these two super tough guys be solid friends, training buddies and business partners.

The next thing I see is all this crap about a bombing in Boston. AT THE MARATHON. Who the hell does that!? A marathon!? This race is in it's 117th year. And some asshole has to bomb it?! Innocent spectators, joyful, exhausted, exhilarated runners, police officers, kids, families, why!? For many runners this is the holy grail of running. This is the race to qualify for and many of those runners have trained for countless months, years or decades to achieve this opportunity. Imagine the joy of all that work being actualized. All those dreams being laid out on the pavement step by step for 26.2 miles. The thrill and cheers of the crowd, who stood there cheering and lending each and every runner a little spark to push them forward towards the finish line. 

I was so relieved that Z & Q and the few other people I knew racing were okay. Yet, it is heartbreaking. What is this world we live in? Who does things like this? Why is there such violence? There is an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. An overwhelming feeling of there is nothing I can do. And an immense uprising of confusion and fear. This is not the world that I live in. In my world, running (and all exercise, really) is sacred. It is freedom, release, cleansing, purifying and a moving meditation. It is a battle that wages on the inside of each individual against themselves. When I run, I'm running against my demons, I'm running from my past, I'm running from my addictions, my occasional self-loathing, I'm running from negative thoughts, I'm running towards a better life, I'm running to stay alive and fit and healthy, I'm running to feel the peace and zen that comes with the 5,000th footfall, to let loose my thoughts. Exercising makes me peaceful, calm, it makes me smile at strangers, simplify my life and see the silver lining. Simply put, it makes me a better person. 

"It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt 

Given all that, it makes this attack seem so senseless. What are they attacking? They cannot scare me away from being outdoors. I was made to be outside. I was born to be moving. I don't understand and I never will. I don't hate anyone. I don't hate any group. Even groups or people that do evil things, I still don't hate. I work hard to keep hate out of my heart. I work hard to do all that I can do. When it gets down to it, I can't change the world. I can, however, make my life a living act of love and peace. I can continue to be positive. I can live fearlessly. I can enjoy every single moment. I can choose to accept people instead of judging them. I can embrace different opinions instead of enforcing my own. I can let spiders live and be kind to strangers and pick up trash and hand out extra change and donate things I don't need and give away extra food and ask someone if they need help and compliment random people and laugh a little louder and smile a little bigger and hug a little longer. I don't like violence. I don't like it in my news feed, I don't like it in entertainment, I don't pay to watch it, and I don't believe in it.   I choose my path, and it is a way of peace.

"Nonviolence is the first article of my faith. It is also the last article of my creed." ~ Mahatma Gandhi 

I've seen a lot of social media posts about people praying and I think it's moving how many people are touched. Yet, I want to know what those individuals are doing on a daily basis to change the world they live in. Are you praying to a God that tells you it's okay to love some, but hate others? Are you praying to a deity who believes it's okay to kill, rape and murder people of a different color, sex or religion? Are you praying, but engaging in acts of violence on your own? The concept of violence is huge. It exists when you yell at your kids. It thrives when you cut someone off on the 405. It grows when you treat someone different because they are this, that or the other thing. Posting a prayer is a nice thought, but I truly believe that if every person engaged in active introspection and assessed their own lives for acts of violence - even the tiniest acts - and began a life less violent, that our world could and would slowly change. Generation to generation, we possess the ability to socially evolve from shit-flinging cannabalistic monkeys into a higher form of being, we just need the will to do so. 

A Long Road

Fear defeats more people than any one thing in the world."-Ralph Waldo Emerson

This morning I woke up in the dark, shuffled around quietly making tea and a breakfast sandwich for Adam and I while I tried to let him squeeze in a few more minutes of well-needed sleep. The cats tripped around my feet, even though they damn well know that dinner time isn't till, well, dinner time. The sky began to turn from ink to violet to dawn. I headed to the kitchen that I left 7 hours earlier, braced myself for a quick in/out in the walk-in fridge and headed out to make our North County delivery at SCAR in Orange.

I watched the sunrise over Saddleback as I made my way along the 55 freeway. Snippets of thoughts, old conversations, and memories flickered through my mind. About where I am now, and where I was before, and where I was before that. I thought about the sunrises I have seen in my life. How many of them were full of quiet moments of introspection. Of promises and resolutions whispered in hope to the new day. Ages ago, I would still be up from the night before. Mind and body hazy and shattered from a night of escapism. More recently, of course, memories of the past years, getting up in the dark, grinding out hard miles on foot or bike or pool. I thought about the months Adam and I spent getting up at 4 am (or earlier) and heading out for long training days for IMAZ last year. And it made me realize how little did I know then, what I could become now.

I've heard it said that triathlon is a metaphor for life and it's something that holds true for me. I'm not really training for races, I'm training for life. I spent many years wanting a life I didn't have and assuming that other people had something I was lacking. Some sort of magical motivator. Some spark to push past fear of the unknown into greatness. Some key that could unlock the mystery of what I was meant to do with my time, that I just couldn't find or didn't have. I knew I was playing small and I couldn't get away from it. I lived in a small world, with a small job I was stuck in, at a small company, and time was slipping by too fast. For a large number of reasons (the above being one) I finally sought out a counselor a few years ago.

She asked me about what I wanted to do; what I was really good at and also made me happy. That was an easy answer - I love cooking, helping people, eating healthy, and transforming my diet has definitely changed my life and I wanted to share that with others. Yet, if you're anything like me, you can look at that answer and see 10,000 reasons why it's not possible to pursue as a career.

• I don't have $50,000+ for culinary school
• We don't have any money to start a company
• I don't know how to start a company
• We can't afford for me to leave my job
• I need the security of my job
• The food industry is rife with failure
• Owning a restaurant is too much work, too long hours and it will fail anyways
• I've never even worked in a restaurant (Adam spent decades in the industry, thankfully)
• I don't want to be stuck cooking the same fat-dipped-seared-parmesan-crusted-whatnot with buerre blanc sauce every night for someone else's menu in someone else's kitchen 
• I can't quit my job because:
• I make too much money to leave (it'd be stupid to walk away from a steady paycheck!)
• I'm too vital to the company
• There's no way I could train someone
• The owner would be really upset and it would be a horrible thing
• People depend on me and I would let them down
• We'll never be successful enough to be independent of my salary.

That's a LOT of fear. We talked about my worst case scenario - I quit, we start a business, it fails, we owe tons of money, blah blah blah.... and then what?! What's the very worst? Even if that did happen, we'd move in to Adam's parents house or with friends or whatever we had to do while working however many jobs it took to get back on our feet. It really wouldn't be that bad. That fear dispelled she asked me what would happen when I quit my job. I launched into a huge tirade on exactly how it would play out. The agony, the anguish, the emotional upset, who would say what, etc... She asked me if I had any proof that's how the situation would go. And I didn't. I was just so sure it would be that way and had convinced myself of it until it was fact. We then talked about money, and how maybe I didn't need to go to cooking school, but if I wanted money - I certainly made enough to save some. Instead of spending it on trying to validate being in a job I'm unhappy with... ouch! Now, at the time, I knew she was right, but I couldn't move for the sake of fear. 

Fear is a funny thing. I could almost tangibly see the things I was afraid of, logically know that a good half of them didn't exist, and still be paralyzed. Unable to face those things, I turned and faced a handful of other things I couldn't do. Like swimming. And running. And biking. And when I could do those things, I did them in distances and combinations there was NO WAY I could do, like 20 miles and 50 miles, 70.3 miles and 140.6 miles. I faced scary situations - riding on SART middday (haha), swimming in the ocean when terribly afraid of sharks (and through one panic attack), afraid of descending big hills (still not a huge fan of GMR on a busy day), and I was certain that this ex-pack-a-day-smoker would never be able to run a marathon, let alone at the end of an Ironman. The more I chipped away at the fears I could tackle, the easier it became to face my real fears and inadequacies. Maybe I could be something. Maybe I could figure it out. Maybe I could dream bigger? Maybe. 

When Adam lost his job last summer, in a bold streak of courage I stuffed my fears aside and we bluffed our way into starting a business. It felt like we were playing pretend. I still thought that everyone else must know these things, and I'm just an idiot who's been hiding under a rock. We stressed and talked and did the best we could. Little by little it grew, until we were really a business. Like, a for real, busines. I stopped feeling like I was playing grown-up and really started feeling like, "Yeah, we ARE business-owners!" Then we grew some more. And more. And more. And now, I can leave my job any time I want, but out of a sense of loyalty, I'm not leaving until my replacement is trained enough to handle the job on his own. Now, we have a group of wonderful customers that we've developed a close-knit relationship with - one in which we value their business as much as they value our food. We serve all kinds of people - but they're all people that we enjoy seeing and talking to on a weekly basis. We are no longer cooking for just the 5 people in our test group! We are up and running.

I've been too busy to think these past months. It's as though I've been underground working madly and all of the sudden I came up for air, and holy hell! Life has changed! There's a new Universe available to me! There's sunlight and freedom and fresh air. I've conquered those big, terrifying, life-paralyzing things. Somehow. Sometime. While I've been busy. Nothing scary happened. My fear was all imagined. And for the first time in months, years, decades, heck - maybe since I was four years old catching butterflies with my sister in the front yard - I can BREATHE. I feel ALIVE. I feel like life is RIGHT. I feel FREE. I feel like everything is within the realm of possibility. I feel like my hopes are valid. My dreams are on the right path. 

We took our first day off in months. After a glorious swim in the outdoor pool, Adam and I sat on the deck drying off since we forgot our towels. I basked in the sunshine, the gentle ocean breeze, and the absolute gratitude of being where I am now, with Adam, with my four crazy adopted cats, with my family, with my friends, teammates, customers, with all of you. I want to yell from the rooftops and tell everyone I meet - FIND OUT WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO AND DO THAT. DON'T BE AFRAID. DON'T DISCREDIT YOURSELF! DON'T KEEP ON DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. 

Each of us, every single one of us is meant to be marvelous. We are intended for extraordinary things. Find the tiny spark inside of you, raise it up into your heart, feed that spark until it becomes a little fire, then fan the flames until it roars. Let yourself shine.

This poem comes up in my blog a lot, and I was reminded of it again tonight by Katie @ Run This Amazing Day (read this post!) and I think it's such a good one, I'm sharing it again. Keep dreaming big, friends!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson

Race Report - Escape From Alcatraz 2013

Leading up to the race:
Less than two years ago I came to San Francisco to race the daunting Escape From Alcatraz triathlon. I was terrified of open water swimming and sharks, had only done two triathlons, Adam had done his first triathlon earlier that year and was there spectating and we weren't that far away from our old bad habits time-wise (or as Ziya aptly called his, The Great Unpleasantness). I didn't really know many people in the sport except for the few people we were with. I was stuck at a job I wasn't happy with and saw no way out. I was paralyzed in my life, unsure of where I was going and unsure of what I was doing, but strongly aware that I needed to find courage to take some big steps and create a new life that I loved.

Somehow, in less than two years, I find myself back here. Same city, same race, totally different person. Adam and I are now happily married, and our lives are tied together stronger than I knew was possible. I have an Ironman and numerous other races under my belt. I have a coach and a team I train with. I really like swimming in open water. We have our own business that we are building. I am reducing my hours at my regular job and training someone to take over. I am fortunate enough to know some amazing people who are here in San Francisco racing and spectating. I am beginning to dream big. Really big.

Two years ago I was so nervous about this race that just thinking about it made me feel nauseous. Today, our crap is flung all over the hotel room, disorganized, unpacked and I'm not quite sure when the race starts but I know it's going to be dark and cold and there's some swimming and then I get on my bike and go where I'm told as fast as I can and then I run where the other people are going and then I head towards the noise and the finish line. And again, I am reminded about where triathlon fits in my life. It's not about the race.

This year has been total and absolutely wonderful in an insane, busy, mad-scramble to make a successful business out of our teeny-tiny idea. Most days I don't know what day it is, I'm totally surprised it's March and I feel like a little groundhog that has been busy burrowing and digging for all of 2013 and I'm just popping up for air all sunlight-blinded wondering where the hell I am, but also pleased with our progress. Triathlon seems far, far, away. All the focus I had last year has been shifted. I am eagerly waiting the see-saw of work-life balance to teeter totter back into an even form so that I can actually resume training and find that harmony in my life again. Oceanside 70.3 is at the end of this month and while everyone I know is training consistently, we're lucky if we swim 2x a week and I can't recall the last time we actually had time to ride outside on a weekend. Yet, there's a time and a place for everything and sometimes you have to make decisions.

This is my second time doing Escape From Alcatraz and it wouldn't be possible without the sponsorship from a long time friend and vendor who has sponsored the trip and hotel stay both years! EFA is an expensive Olympic distance race, but there's simply nothing else like it. The challenge, the scenery, the well-run race, the venue...it's no mystery why it draws such a big pro field. The race entry is done on a lottery basis and only 2,000 participants are selected. While it's usually held in June the America Cup (some boating thing) knocked it back to March!

Pre-Race:
We met up with friends at packet pickup and took care of signing the many waivers and getting our goody bags. After a little nap and some dinner we were ready for bed. Race day morning I woke up absolutely not feeling like jumping up (at 3:45am) and into 50 degree water. I find that I do best when I avoid all the race morning madness as much as possible so we rode to the race on the empty streets of San Francisco and quickly set up and headed to our friends truck for a ride to the docks (skipping the whole bus insanity). Once there we got on the boat and I promptly settled down for a little nap while the boat buzzed with the fears and anxious energy of 1,999 other athletes. It's not often I get an hour to do nothing, so I was happy to indulge in the nothingness!

Swim (1.5 miles +/- depending on current, chop, etc...):
I didn't do any warm up swimming before the race. 50 degree water sucks and I didn't want a wet wetsuit on race day. And I don't think it was going to make me any more ready for diving off a hot boat into cold water. So as we stood in a pack by the doors, everyone slowly starting to pee (no joke) I saw the water looked a little unpleasant, with whitecaps and chop. All I really cared was that it wasn't FOGGY and the shore was totally clear. In a mad crush, I squeezed out the door and leapt into the bay. Was it cold? Yes. But it was worse the other weekend at CDM (not technically, but it felt better than that). After a few minutes of swimming away from the boat, I spotted Ghiradelli Square and began my swim to the Fontana Towers as my sighting reference. My garmin hadn't picked up GPS while in the boat and had stopped instead of started at some point so I tried to start it again but wound up with no data. As a second timer, I was going to make damn sure I sighted correctly and didn't overshoot the Marina Green. You can't really follow other swimmers since most of them are just as lost and swimming against the current sucks. In theory, the current pulls you pretty rapidly towards the Marina Green and the Golden Gate Bridge. Yet, the winds were whipping the chop in the opposite direction creating a wild washing machine effect.

I'd just wait to feel myself crest a wave and check my reference points, but I noticed I wasn't moving as much as I should have been. Granted a lot of stroke energy was being lost in the chop, and the wind was negating the currents aid. It was definitely harder than 2011, and took a little more work and more careful re-positioning on my targets to get to shore, but I found it to be manageable. (I will talk about the death and my thoughts at the end of this post).

T1 Run (1/2 mile):
This year I opted to forgo the changing into running shoes think partially because I forgot my shoes and partially because it was such a hassle. If I had bought booties, that would've been the way to go. I had a wetsuit stripper help me out of my suit since my hands were useless little claws. I ran the half mile back barefoot. I was cold and painful, but since my feet were pretty frozen, it was bearable. Still had major fumbling in transition, it's so hard to put stuff on when you can't move your fingers. I skipped gloves and any extra clothing and figured I'd warm up on the climb out (which I did and am grateful I skipped all that).

Bike (18 hilly miles):
Got on the old roadie and headed out! realized my watch was in the wrong mode, wasn't picking up heart rate nor cadence. Things like that used to worry me, this time I figured it was a sign to just ride. There is such a thing as too much data. Sometimes it's nice to just GO RIDE BIKE. I don't recall so much climbing on the way out last time! Nothing too hard, but definitely warms you up from the swim! Bombing down by Baker Beach is fun, but having done it before I reminded myself that anything fun I was going down I also had to come back up. And the bike is followed by a very challenging 8 mile run, so I didn't want to lose my legs being all Tour de Francy. The road can also be a bit jacked up and there's people of all kinds of skill, so it's better to be a little more cautious than take a digger being a speed demon (for me, at least). I happily heard Adam yell out my name as he made his way up the big hill ask was coming down. I was pleased to find the uphills not as bad as I recall. The first time up any hill is always the worst! I laughed as Ziya rolled up next to me on one of the last climb as I knew he'd catch me and felt the good feeling of camaraderie mid-race when you get to share a moment with a training buddy and friend. I spun my legs out and got ready for a tough 8 miles.

T2:
Grabbed my running visor and hand water and headed out to see how my legs were doing.

Run (8 miles, mostly trail, some road, some sand, stairs):
The first 2 miles are pretty flat and the next mile is all climbing - single track, stairs, narrow trail, it definitely gets the heart rate up. I had set my loose goal on 11:00 min/miles since I haven't really been training and I didn't want to kill myself and I know there's some slow jogging and walking in the course. Adam came flying past me and I was stoked to see him looking so strong and happy. I headed down onto trail and onto the beach where everyone seemed to forgo the arrows pointing to soft sand and went for hard(ish) pack wet sand. It's still squishy and sucks the life out of your legs all half mile out and half mile back. Wheeeeee, sand. Finally you turn away from the hard pack into the deep soft sand that leads up to the infamous Sand Ladder. I had been chugging along with a guy for a few miles so we pushed each other up, encouraging each other every few steps. It's not that hard on its own, but after the uphill out and the sand, you don't have much to give. The real bitch however, is that at the top of the sand ladder you make a left and continue to climb! It's a gorgeous course and one of the good things about it being hard is you have a little time to look around! I started looking for Ray and Brad since I knew they were behind me and that motivated me to keep running and not be lazy. i was motivated by other people running so i told myself, "You never know who you are inspiring, so start acting inspiring!" Sure enough I saw Ray right after and that gave me a boost! The rest of the way is downhill and while that's awesome it's important to stay mentally sharp, but let the feet fly! I lapped my watch at mile 6 and decided to kick up the pace. I turned in a 9:47 and then an 8:43 as I did my best to push through the finish line.

Ah,  the sand ladder.

Finish:
Felt generally discombobulated and like my usual "must eat and please don't talk to me until I do so" self, haha! Happily found Adam who is the most awesome at making sure I get food and cookie and no talking to until I've settled down. And he packs up all my stuff in transition! I so picked a good man ;) I am proud of my race and pleased with the day. I am sore today and tired, but I had a phenomenal time.


Tips for 1st Timers:
1.) Train for the race. Don't run on flat ground, don't just swim in a pool and make sure you ride hills.
2.) Know your comfort level with cold water, rough water and being alone in the water.
3.) Make sure to talk to the people in the booth every year with the swim map for sighting references at the expo!
4.) If you're really stressed about sighting or unsure, take an Alcatraz boat trip a day or two before to get a feel for the landmarks.
5.) I always advise not being in transition too early - it stresses me out. Too much excitement and long bathroom lines.
6.) Wear socks to the boat that you can discard before the race.
7.) Transition shoes... I have done them with and without. I would do it without even though I have little sissy feet, I hate the hassle of trying to get shoes on with claw-hands.
8.) Road bike.
9.) Don't blow your legs on the bike course - the run is very challenging!
10.) Have fun and take in the sights!


Thoughts on the Swim Conditions / Death:
This year marks the first time in EFA's 33 years of race history that someone has died in the swim. There's a lot of fuss about people saying triathlon is risky now and not safe and blah blah blah blah. Here's my take. The man who died had done the race before, he had trained, and they don't think that they water had anything to do with it. Simply put, he had a heart attack and either due to the excitement or just timing, it happened to be during the race. Are the odds elevated in an excited state? Sure, probably. But, does that make triathlon scary? Not really. I'd rather die doing something I loved than parked on the freeway headed to my job. I do believe in minimizing risk as much as possible. I train safe, I race safe, and I do what I can to make sure I'm ready to survive each time I leave the house. If I have an unknown heart condition or a freak accident happens, there's not much I can do about that. I look at my involvement with triathlon in terms of odds. The odds of something adverse happening to  me as a healthy 32 year old female aren't too high. I try to reduce those odds even more by being a bit of a little bitch descending hills or on technical courses because I lack the time and money to fix myself and my bike. I will even back out of a race if I'm unprepared for it rather than risk myself or the lives of others. Do I think there were some unprepared people out at EFA on Sunday? Hell yes, and while I give them credit, I can't help but wonder, "At what cost?" I think if I had a condition that could/might lead to a race-day issue I'd have to look at the situation differently and talk to my family and loved ones about it. Obviously, I love to train and race, but there's a line between having a good time and endangering yourself.

Some people are angrily attacking the race directors and saying they shouldn't have had the race in March, there should have been more safety personnel, etc... My attitude is that you signed up for the race in March. You signed all the waivers. You were sent multiple emails about the conditions. You were required to state races you had completed. You were supposed to attend the athlete meeting. Given all of that, every participant on that boat was a willing subject. Safety personnel can only do their best. They are not responsible for the lives of all 2,000 people. At the end of the day, I know that when I train and when I race, I alone am the only person I can count on. I sure hope that rescue personnel will get to me in time if I need it, but I know that it's a BIG ocean and a wild one (especially at races like EFA) and there's just no guarantee. I don't think the water was that cold and while I heard tales of 6' swells on Slowtwitch, I think that's a bit much. Here's a video of the water that day and while it was crazy, it certainly wasn't impossible. EFA is billed as one of the hardest races out there. It's up to each person who signs up to be ready mentally and physically for all possible conditions. Outside of that, sometimes your time is just up. My thoughts go out to the family and friends of this man and to those who stayed by his side and provided rescue efforts and after seeing him to medical aid, finished the race in his honor. People like that make me proud to be a fellow triathlete, and more importantly a fellow human being. I have stopped and checked on people in a race (and while training) before, and hope that each and every one of us is willing to take the time to make sure that if someone does need help, we forgo our PR to assist them.

Eterno Group - Official Guinea Pig

What's going on here? A WHOLE LOT OF AWESOME.

If we're friends on Facebook, you've most likely seen my bi-weekly check-ins at Eterno Group (Awakening Inner Fitness). Maybe you've heard some online chit chat about being in the "Egg" or getting recovery time. Maybe you wondered what the heck I'm talking about. This post is for you! I had to keep vaguebooking until I got the go ahead from the mad scientists in charge of me to open my big mouth and talk about what's going on. 

What's Going On?

I'm writing this from the cozy confines of the altitude simulation pod at Eterno Group's facility. Something between a spaceship and a futuristic dinosaur egg that allows me the magic combination of an hour twice a week to rest, relax, catch up on paperwork, blogs and billing while simultaneously participating in a research project to see exactly how much of this pod-time improves my fitness and recovery.  Now, if you're an athlete, you've undoubtedly heard about altitude training. That usually consists of two options - 1.) Train at a high altitude (which is nice if you happen to already live there OR can have someone pay to fly you up to the mountains for training camps) or 2.) Hop on a bike or treadmill with a rather cumbersome face-mask and bust your ass working out while being deprived of oxygen. Fun? Not exactly, but, there have been many fitness benefits shown as a result of altitude training. Altitude adaptation is just one benefit of Eterno Group and they have a much more comfortable approach for time-crunched, often relaxation-deprived athletes. 120 minutes a week, sitting in comfort cocooned inside of a pod, improving fitness by exposing your body to a multitude of rapid changes in atmospheric pressure. (Similar to what is happening during exercise at a cellular level) As your body is forced to adapt to thousands of changes on a cellular level, your body (in theory) improves at handling the stress. The concept is to improve recovery time and allow your body to increase in fitness as measured by blood 02 saturation, V02 max and blood pressure as well as some baseline time trials.

What's It Like?

The first round of sessions is to make sure your ears can handle the atmospheric pressure changes. (like a warm up before a run) If you've ever skydived or scuba dived, you know how rapid and constant changes in pressure feel. A lot of yawning and ear clearing. The front of the pod is a big clear window, so while I was initially a wee bit concerned about being claustrophobic, the giant window makes it feel roomy. The administrator also gives me a walkie-talkie and I have full control of the program via joystick as well as an immediate stop button. I can bring my laptop and iPad in and I am instantly online and able to work in peace and quiet (which is so, so rare). I find it really relaxing - an hour twice a week to recover in silence, to get out some writing or work, and to just be off my feet and in my own space.

What Have You Noticed?

The first thing I noticed was that after a good session at Eterno Group, I sleep like a rock. Seriously, it's as if someone clubs me over the back of the head (but not nearly as painful, hah!) and all of the sudden I am fully, deeply and completely asleep until morning. I am usually a light sleeper that struggles to fall asleep (hello, stress) and I wake throughout the night. Not after a good session in the pod! Energy - I have more of it. I am working one regular job, growing the business that my husband and I started (Bite Me Kitchen) and training for a handful of triathlons, two Half-Ironmans, a 100-mile ride called Breathless Agony and often failing to get adequate sleep, foam-rolling, massages and stretching. I should be a wreck. I shouldn't be able to get on the bike on Saturday and bang out a tough 4-5 hour ride/run combo and then back it up with a 9-hour day on my feet in the kitchen. But, I am. And I am doing so with more energy than I should be producing. After a grueling weekend workout and Saturday/Sunday on my feet (we're talking 16 hour days here!), I can work out Tuesday and recover at Eterno Group and be fresh as a daisy to take on the rest of the week's cooking and training. 

What About Power? V02? Pace? Weight?

We're going to retest at the end of this 6-week research program to find out the hard evidence. I have a hunch though, that Eterno Group may well be on to something. In addition to the benefits via pressure changes, I think just getting an active athlete off their feet and resting for 120 minutes a week is going to be an unexpected benefit for any participant. 

Here is an awesome article from one of our own, who has had some fantastic results!

http://lavamagazine.com/training/the-new-altitude-training-sit-back-and-relax/#axzz2LOzC8To3

If you want more info you can reach Eterno Group   info@eternogroup.com  www.eternogroup.com

I'll keep you posted as we go along! 

A Big Day

Tomorrow's a big day for me. Definitely one of the biggest in my 32 years on this planet. After doing what I was told to do for a lifetime, I'm taking the first really big step towards complete independence in my work-life. Tomorrow, I will tell my work that I am leaving the company within months and will no longer be able to work full-time in my position(s) at the office. And that's big. And it's even bigger than it sounds.

I've been at my job as long as I can remember. Heck, my mom works there, so I grew up playing office with my sister (who also works there) in the very same environment. In high school when I needed a job, I picked up summers and holidays doing all the shit-work that high school kids are good for doing. Happy to take my little fistful of cash at the end of each week, I did all kinds of menial tasks and learned what a work ethic was. As the years stretched into college, I increased my hours at my job and went to school around those hours. I juggled working almost full-time with completing 2 degrees at UCI. Somewhere in all of that time, I took over doing all the purchasing for the company. After I graduated, I left (briefly) in my first foray out into the big, scary world convinced I was going to make 6 figures AND be able to solve the worlds problems by being in financial planning. I quickly discovered that being forced to wear panty-hose and a suit everyday was a strange type of torture and that my "Monday-meetings-are-for-losers" attitude didn't fly so well. I also thought the place was a great big pyramid scheme full of soul-sucking piranhas who weren't exactly out there to help people along their path to financial freedom. So, after a long meeting about "some people's" bad attitudes *cough* I left.

Yet, you have to realize, that even though I left my original job for this finance job...I never really left. Post-it notes were piled on my desk, phone messages, stacked up, my boss kept asking what days I was working again... Let's just say that when I decided to come back, I just showed back up and got back in the groove of things. Since then, I've always said that I wanted to leave. Granted, it's a good job, I am paid well (enough), and I can wear flip-flops and compression tights under my jeans. There are significant negatives that I won't discuss until after I leave. But more importantly, I've always been haunted by the knowledge that there was something greater out there for me than waking up and working my ass off from 8-4:30 for someone else's profit. As the years have slipped by, I've been handed more and more jobs until now, I hardly know how to get out of the tangled web I'm in. I do purchasing, sales, graphic design and I handle all of the security stuff.

I've sat for a long time feeling guilty about leaving. I feel like the owner will take it personally. I feel like he will be angry with me for leaving. I feel like he may not even listen to or hear what I am saying, and I can't do anything about that. How someone else reacts to my choices and the direction I'm taking in my life is not under my control. I can only be honest and upfront. I have no idea how I will train someone to do my job(s). I am not sure how we're going to do with taking away my consistent and dependable paycheck for a variable and scary uncertain one. I'm not sure if we will make it. But I am going to step off the ledge and figure it out as I go along.

I sit here tonight knowing that tomorrow is going to be a bit nerve-wracking. I started along this journey of massive personal growth a few years ago. We began Bite Me Kitchen a mere 8 months ago. So much has changed. I'm braver now, than I was 8 months ago, a year ago, heck, 2 weeks ago. I knew this day was coming but I wasn't sure quite when. At the end of the year, I boldly proclaimed on Facebook that I would be leaving my job for good by June. I've felt the pace quickening beneath my feet as if I'm no longer in control. Then, on Tuesday's early morning long run after an exceptionally long weekend working and a painfully tired Monday, it was clear as a bell. I have to work less. The time is now. Not in two, three more months. Right now.

 Sometimes when I know I'm going to have a rough day, Adam puts invisible armor on me before I walk out the door. It's a childish, funny charade, but it makes me feel better. Tomorrow I'm going to make sure he puts it on extra tight so I'm ready to hold my ground and take this first big step towards my new life. Sometimes you don't need to see the ground in front of you when you can feel the rightness pulling you from your heart. Off I go!

Because I Can [TNF 50K]

A few days ago I signed up for a 50K trail run - The North Face Challenge in San Francisco at the end of the year. 50K is about 30 miles, and it's exceedingly tough terrain (see elevation below). Gorgeous winding, climbing trails, single track, ocean and golden gate views and over 6600 feet of climbing. It started on Facebook, as crazy adventures sometimes do, when I saw Ziya signed up for the TNF 50 miler. I thought, "Wow....yes! One day." And part of me thought maybe this year....and then I thought, "Nah, Adam will kill me!" I tucked thoughts of it away until I caught Adam looking at it, and to my surprise he said something about us doing it! It was a sure sign when our coach, Joby, hopped on the thread and was gung-ho about doing it AND us doing it! Our path was clearly marked.

Photo Credit: Zimbio.com

Now, I know, I know, why 50K?! Well, I'd really like to (and almost did) sign up for the 50 miler, but after a thorough conversation with the Coach, we saw that the cost was going to be higher on my body and my training than what's I'm prepared to pay right now. I definitely see a spot in my life for ultra-running, and know it will be here at some time, but I am just getting back in shape for triathlon this year and don't want to set that training investment aside for one really, really long run.

Ouch!

Even before I did triathlon, before I had a bike, before I was even really athletic beyond a couple days at the gym hitting the elliptical, I knew that I would do ultra running one day. I vividly recall (not a lot about my past I can say THAT about, haha) being in an airplane righteously hung over and reading in some magazine I bought in the airport kiosk about this crazy tattooed chick Catra Corbett who ran all kinds of ultramarathons (anything over 26.2 mi). I read her story and a few other stories of these total nutjobs and thought, "Huh. Yeah, that looks like fun. I get it!" Mind you, at the time I was a pack-a-day smoker and never missed a glass or three of wine a day. And couldn't run a 5K, never mind a 50K.

Yet, sometimes in life, when you're quiet enough, you can hear echoes of the future like wind in the trees and and you see something that has nothing to do with you right now, but you know that at some point down the road it will click. Maybe it's that thing you do so well that turns into your dream job. Or that mountain you see in a magazine that begs you to climb it. Or that crazy idea that keeps popping back into your head. And it's funny to be here now, having registered for the race... It's one of those moments where I feel like my life makes so much sense. Where somehow all the seemingly nonsensical, jumbled, broken up, screwed up moments of my life and all the good, whole, poignant, inspired efforts have collided and conspired to bring me right to this point today.

Why a 50K? Because I can. Because I should. Because there's something out there for me on the trails. Somewhere on a weekday run, a long weekend, maybe at mile 15 or mile 20, running in El Moro, or up Baldy...there will be those moments of sheer glory and I'll know I found what I was looking for all those years ago. It feels good knowing that even though I no longer really know where I'm going in life, I know I'm going the right way. I spent my whole life planning every detail out. What AP classes I had to take in high school, what college I was going to, what I needed to do graduate, get two degrees, what job I was going to get, buy a house, find a husband....everything. And nothing ever seemed to work out as planned. Ever. Every time the plan failed that caused me a lot of stress and discordance. The big problem is that I was just following someone else's master plan of how to grow up. I knew the things I liked to do, but since they didn't correlate to making money I (and others around me) discouraged those ideas. But working at a job that makes you miserable on a bad day and is merely devoid of pleasure on a good day is a quick way to an unhealthy life.

The more I stopped listening to what made other people happy and the more I listened to what made ME happy, the higher my life has climbed of the chart of overall awesomeness. When you do a trail run, the course is marked with trail markers (see above). If you aren't paying attention, you could miss them and go the wrong way. Life is a lot like that. When you're on the right path, and you're being who you're supposed to be, the road to where you're headed is clearly marked. I used to feel see lost sometimes. I would insist on having this well-charted out course that I was hell bent on taking, regardless if it would run me off a cliff. I felt like life was some sort of confusing battle that I had to slog through daily, and often felt beaten down.

Once my body was healthy and free of toxins, addictions and crappy food and well-cared for with plenty of sleep, exercise and nutrients, my life became simple. I stopped fighting the current. I started floating along with life. Every day is an adventure on which I look for the little markers that say, "Yes! This way!" and I allow myself to not look to far ahead and to simply enjoy where I am. In hindsight, it always makes sense anyways. Going to a random Christmas party where I met Adam. Signing up for a sprint triathlon. Googling for a running coach and somehow finding our coach Joby (and amazing Team). Adam being laid off again and starting BMK. Signing up for a 50K...

The really exciting thing is that I am (for once in my life) not alone. Somehow, by following my crazy path, I've wound up in exceptionally good (and equally crazy) company. When I posted that Adam + I signed up for the 50K, that post got ONE HUNDRED comments on Facebook and through the sheer inertia of shared enthusiasm (and okay, a little good old fashioned bullying), over ten other people signed up!! What a phenomenal place in life I'm at....to be surrounded by friends who are not only supportive, but are downright encouraging and inspiring. Interested in joining us for the North Face Endurance Challenge? Haven't signed up yet? DO IT!

February? Really?!

"The person who really wants to do something finds a way; the other finds an excuse."

 ~Sir John Marks Templeton

Finally getting back into training! What was supposed to be a month or so rest post-Ironman turned into two and a half with added stress, too little maintenance working out, too much eating and a few too many occasional beers. Everyone says to take the time after the race and let your body rest...but in hindsight, knowing myself, I really wish I would have gotten back to a structured (but easy) plan earlier. Working out soothes me, it keeps me balanced and it keeps me sane. Without it, I don't handle everything else as well and once you add stress...well...it's not pretty! Having my fitness, diet, sleep, and life in balance is key to my survival. Take one of those away and everything dominoes into a bit of a mess.

The Facts:
I'm definitely not where I wanted to be physically at the start of this year, with my first race (the challenging Escape From Alcatraz) a mere month away. The facts are that I put on weight and I lost fitness. Yes, I know we are starting and growing our own business. Yes, I know I am post-Ironman. Yes, I know it was the holidays. Those are all good excuses, if I was looking for one, but I'm not. I'm starting right here, where I'm at and I've got some serious work to do - regardless of how long some of these days are. I went through a bit of a getting mad at myself / pouting phase last weekend as it all really hit home that I am no longer in Ironman shape. Like, AT ALL.

The Good:
We're part of a new research project that I can't discuss quite yet, but will be sharing about soon (once I get the okay)! As part of the initial testing, I got an opportunity to do a V02 Max Test!! Turns out that I've got a good engine, and I'm got a lot of ability waiting for me to tap into it. Only issue is the one I already know - lose the winter weight! Also, through this research project I will be undergoing some fantastic new stuff that will hopefully assist me in getting back into (and exceeding) my racing fitness!

The Plan:
I work 7 days a week. If not at my office job, then at Bite Me Kitchen. If not actually in the kitchen, then paperwork, menu planning, recipe creation. Adam's on his feet 7 days a week cooking for Bite Me Kitchen. There simply is no spare time to set aside, so we must make time. Lately that's meant that we just get a little less sleep. Is it ideally the thing I'd like to sacrifice? No, but we have to make cuts somewhere. On a good note, we discovered that we like being on the bike trainers together in the pain cave, and we ended up pushing each other through a solid effort this morning. That means we can get a harder work out in, at the same time, and Adam doesn't have to wait until I'm done! I'm also committed to not only getting down to my IMAZ race weight, but to dropping an additional 8-10 pounds off that. It's time to really get down to business. If I can drop the weight I need to lose while working like a crazy person 7 days a week at two jobs, growing a business and training for triathlons then it will be true that anyone, despite how busy they are, can lose weight if committed to diet and exercise! No excuses!


Coming Up:
3/2/13: Escape From Alcatraz
3/31/13: Oceanside 70.3
5/4/13: Breathless Agony (112 miles, 12,000' climbing, bike ride)
5/19/13: OC Tri (and my sister's first triathlon!)
6/1/13: Hawaii 70.3!!!

I think I can... I think I can....

If you think Ironman is hard, try expanding a business while working full time at another one. It's been over a week of 14-16 hour days. Back to back. My Ironman took me less time than that. And while my body is slightly less sore, my mind is shattered. Utterly freaking shattered. Yet, each morning, I'm waking up and I am moving forward. I don't know what is driving me. I don't know what to call it, but faith, desire, passion, and a homing in (whether I want to or not) on where I'm meant to be. In fact, I feel like since this whole thing started with Bite Me Kitchen, after Adam's company did lay-offs while we were on vacation at the Mammoth Cycling camp - we've been pulled in direction we've been slightly resisting. And now we have no choice. The universe is hell bent on pulling us along a beam towards who knows what, but resistance is simply futile. Don't get me wrong, we love what we do, but...where does the energy come from? Where does the ability to put one foot in front of the other generate? To look at Adam and say, "Hey, you're doing great. I know we're tired. Let's keep pushing through."

I think this coming week will be better, and we'll come up over the crest of this gigantic effing hill we've been climbing since a few weeks ago. Moving kitchens WHILE cooking has been a feat of ...insanity? Superhuman patience? Adam's amazing tetris-like organization? But along the way we have been met with SO much love. So many markers and signs and sparks of light. We're definitely in the right kitchen. We've met some wonderful people we share it with. We've got this amazing girl who bakes cookies and is like a little sugar bombshell that never fails to leave a few delicious cookies on our racks. We've got people there helping use the the bigger equipment that we're not familiar with. And of course, we've got our customers - new, old, and pending who are literally the gasoline in this crazy engine. All of the support, encouragement, enthusiasm and gratitude that you give us, fuels us forward and let's us know we're on the right track.

Tonight after we left the kitchens, we stopped to pick up a few beers on the way home. I looked up at the clouds moving across the night sky and silently asked, "Are we doing the right thing?! Because, this is really, really, really hard." Yet, I know it is. And I don't need a big answer. A few stars winked back and I thought, "Yeah, yeah, I know." There's only one way out. I want to do what I believe in. I want to work for and with people I believe in. I want to do something that matters. I want to do what I'm good at. I want to be passionate about what I do. It's in our bones to work hard and to do the right thing. Both Adam and I have tried to do other things, but we're bent, pulled, yanked, and swayed back to this. He's been a hop-skip-and-a-jump from the kitchens most of his adult life. I've always nay-sayed it due to not wanting to make 100 of the same stupid dish a night, every night. Yet, here we are, having naturally found our way and unable to look away from the path we're on.

I don't know where we're going. I do know we're doing the right thing. I also know I will have to quit my steady job at some point. I know there's more hard work ahead. I know there are more hard decisions between what we HAVE to do and what we may WANT to do. I know there are customers and friends and family that have us in their hearts and minds. I know that we're capable of doing wonders. I have no idea what that means. I am terrified. I am awed. I am in love with my husband to the depths of my being. I am grateful for what I have. I have no clue where we are going, but I have a feeling that things will be awesome when we arrive.

Thank you for being on this journey with me!! Onward, upward, and may I never forget that forward is the only direction that matters.

PS: Support your local, small, family-owned businesses. We slave!