“From a little spark may burst a flame.”~ Dante Alighieri
I sit here two days after our trip to Ironman Arizona (volunteering, not racing) and I'm overwhelmed with the sheer force, strength and resilience of the over 2,500 athletes that competed on Sunday. As someone who (as of Monday) stepped up to the task of taking on the full Ironman distance (2.4 mi swim, 112 mi bike and 26.2 mi run) I realize the power of that choice. Sunday I watched friends, teammates, and strangers race together, but very much alone at the same time. Some people's stories I knew firsthand - the whys and hows, the reason behind them, the banners they carried mentally to push them onward. Thousands of individuals - made up of the same flesh, bone and blood as everyone else, yet differing in their desire to push themselves beyond their limits and into the unknown. I felt as though I was looking at a sea of stars. Each person with their own story, their own reason, drive, year of arduous training. For those of you that I know who raced, for friends new and old, I cannot capture my joy for you in words. Each of you a tiny spark, bursting into flames, brightening the world with your courage. I feel lucky to count so many stars in my sky.
Tomorrow I turn 31. This year has been full of so much growth that I hardly recognize who I was last November. I was still trying. Trying to be healthy, trying to be calm, trying to be focused, trying to exercise. Despite all of my trying, my body was breaking down inside. After an immensely rich and delicious dinner on my birthday with my girlfriends (and copious amounts of wine), I wound up extremely sick. Sure, I had way too much to drink, but it wasn't just the alcohol - the food was making me sick as well. I started the year with a round of lab tests and doctor visits and frustration at the ineptitude of the medical world. I began to wean the problems from my diet by removing alcohol, fried foods, unhealthy fats, dairy, and eventually meat. Since I cut out the alcohol (with the exception of a few rare instances this year), I also cut out the cigarettes I was only "socially" smoking. It's pretty easy to only smoke when you drink when you drink daily. I found myself with only one choice - to be healthy once and for all. I was signed up for Escape From Alcatraz and I couldn't let me generous race sponsors down. Since I was used to letting myself down, it took being accountable to someone else to make it over the hurdle.
I grew up thinking it was absolutely normal to drink daily. Every single day, happy or sad, busy or bored, sick or healthy - a few glasses of wine was always the perfect way to unwind. Yet, a few glasses a night usually became a bottle of wine a night. And bad decisions became easier to make. And I never woke up to work out early, nor opted for healthy food choices. I felt like I couldn't get a grasp on what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, and felt frustrated at my life. I was always on a cycle of extreme moods - volatile one moment, happy the next. Every morning I woke up tired, a little full of regret, and craving a cup of coffee, some satisfying food and maybe even a cigarette.
I threw myself into training in the beginning of the year and eventually, I started to feel really good. My life became calm, easy, decisions were clear, I could see where I was going and began to feel in control of my destiny. I woke up each morning feeling clean, pure, vibrant and alive. I was hungry for life, laughter and to expend my excessive energy resources by running with Adam or riding bikes with friends. I began to channel the energy I tried to dull for decades. I spent years of my life trying to either bring myself up or take myself down in an effort to catch up with my wildly fluctuating energy. I wasted a lot of time trying to corral a rushing river instead of learning how to swim. In the end, I realized that it wasn't more of something I needed, it was less. I needed less food, less toxins, less drama, less excitement, less bullshit, less gossip, less arguments, less processed food, less sugar, less fat, and less alcohol. Only with a clear head did I begin to understand the depth and width of my dependence on external things to make me happy. Somewhere inside me, a change began to occur. A new voice clean and strong, asking to be cared for better. As I listened to my new voice, doing the best thing for myself became easy. Clean, healthy, easy to use food. Solid, unbroken rest. Fresh air, movement of my limbs and enough exercise to satiate the wildness in me. Everything became quite clear - no regrets, confusion, apologies, or misinterpretations.
I always wanted to do great things. To achieve the impossible and to push my limits. Yet, I always pushed that off to another day, some day, not today. By accepting responsibility for my own life and keeping my body and mind healthy, I was granted the power to do the impossible. I feel now as if there is nothing that can stand in my path. No journey too long, no goal out of my reach - everything is possible with time and effort. It's quite an unusual feeling and I'm just beginning to believe it.
I no longer view exercise as a chore - it's a privilege. It's also the cheapest way to get high and the only side effects are feeling good and a longer life. I am building my character each time I do an ocean swim and conquer my fear of open water and sharks. I learn how to focus with every hill repeat. I learn to not give up when doing mile repeats at tempo pace. I learn patience in my long runs. I learn to see the beauty, the good, the whole and the right in life. I surround myself with people who believe they can do anything and who are healthy, I wake with the sunrise feeling grateful and I go to sleep each night feeling like I did the best I could for the day. Tomorrow I will celebrate the beginning of another year on Earth. I will celebrate having the opportunity to experience life the best I can and to improve the experiences of others. I am grateful for the support of friends new and old, family and most importantly, Adam. I am also grateful for the incidences and individuals who provided me with a challenge, and gave me the time and place to commit to my principles and exercise the fibers of my new self so that I became stronger.
Tomorrow I turn 31. This year has been full of so much growth that I hardly recognize who I was last November. I was still trying. Trying to be healthy, trying to be calm, trying to be focused, trying to exercise. Despite all of my trying, my body was breaking down inside. After an immensely rich and delicious dinner on my birthday with my girlfriends (and copious amounts of wine), I wound up extremely sick. Sure, I had way too much to drink, but it wasn't just the alcohol - the food was making me sick as well. I started the year with a round of lab tests and doctor visits and frustration at the ineptitude of the medical world. I began to wean the problems from my diet by removing alcohol, fried foods, unhealthy fats, dairy, and eventually meat. Since I cut out the alcohol (with the exception of a few rare instances this year), I also cut out the cigarettes I was only "socially" smoking. It's pretty easy to only smoke when you drink when you drink daily. I found myself with only one choice - to be healthy once and for all. I was signed up for Escape From Alcatraz and I couldn't let me generous race sponsors down. Since I was used to letting myself down, it took being accountable to someone else to make it over the hurdle.
I grew up thinking it was absolutely normal to drink daily. Every single day, happy or sad, busy or bored, sick or healthy - a few glasses of wine was always the perfect way to unwind. Yet, a few glasses a night usually became a bottle of wine a night. And bad decisions became easier to make. And I never woke up to work out early, nor opted for healthy food choices. I felt like I couldn't get a grasp on what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, and felt frustrated at my life. I was always on a cycle of extreme moods - volatile one moment, happy the next. Every morning I woke up tired, a little full of regret, and craving a cup of coffee, some satisfying food and maybe even a cigarette.
I threw myself into training in the beginning of the year and eventually, I started to feel really good. My life became calm, easy, decisions were clear, I could see where I was going and began to feel in control of my destiny. I woke up each morning feeling clean, pure, vibrant and alive. I was hungry for life, laughter and to expend my excessive energy resources by running with Adam or riding bikes with friends. I began to channel the energy I tried to dull for decades. I spent years of my life trying to either bring myself up or take myself down in an effort to catch up with my wildly fluctuating energy. I wasted a lot of time trying to corral a rushing river instead of learning how to swim. In the end, I realized that it wasn't more of something I needed, it was less. I needed less food, less toxins, less drama, less excitement, less bullshit, less gossip, less arguments, less processed food, less sugar, less fat, and less alcohol. Only with a clear head did I begin to understand the depth and width of my dependence on external things to make me happy. Somewhere inside me, a change began to occur. A new voice clean and strong, asking to be cared for better. As I listened to my new voice, doing the best thing for myself became easy. Clean, healthy, easy to use food. Solid, unbroken rest. Fresh air, movement of my limbs and enough exercise to satiate the wildness in me. Everything became quite clear - no regrets, confusion, apologies, or misinterpretations.
I always wanted to do great things. To achieve the impossible and to push my limits. Yet, I always pushed that off to another day, some day, not today. By accepting responsibility for my own life and keeping my body and mind healthy, I was granted the power to do the impossible. I feel now as if there is nothing that can stand in my path. No journey too long, no goal out of my reach - everything is possible with time and effort. It's quite an unusual feeling and I'm just beginning to believe it.
I no longer view exercise as a chore - it's a privilege. It's also the cheapest way to get high and the only side effects are feeling good and a longer life. I am building my character each time I do an ocean swim and conquer my fear of open water and sharks. I learn how to focus with every hill repeat. I learn to not give up when doing mile repeats at tempo pace. I learn patience in my long runs. I learn to see the beauty, the good, the whole and the right in life. I surround myself with people who believe they can do anything and who are healthy, I wake with the sunrise feeling grateful and I go to sleep each night feeling like I did the best I could for the day. Tomorrow I will celebrate the beginning of another year on Earth. I will celebrate having the opportunity to experience life the best I can and to improve the experiences of others. I am grateful for the support of friends new and old, family and most importantly, Adam. I am also grateful for the incidences and individuals who provided me with a challenge, and gave me the time and place to commit to my principles and exercise the fibers of my new self so that I became stronger.
